Murphy's Law Takes a Cruise: How Our Holland America Vacation Tried to Sink Before It Ever Floated (Part 1-4)
"The best vacations are the ones that almost never happened."
Every cruise brochure shows smiling couples sipping tropical drinks while gazing romantically into the sunset.
None of them show a husband standing in his condo parking lot at 5:30 in the morning asking...
"Honey...where's the Tesla?"
Welcome to our vacation.
Day Minus One: The Curse Begins
For months we'd been planning our seven-day Holland America cruise aboard the Zuiderdam from Boston through New England and Atlantic Canada.
Our itinerary looked incredible:
Boston, Massachusetts
Eastport, Maine
Saint John, Newfoundland, Canada
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Sydney, Nova Scotia
Portland, Maine
Back to Boston
What could possibly go wrong?
Apparently...
Everything.
I woke up before dawn on departure day, determined to finish packing before heading to work. Coffee in hand, I looked outside expecting to see our shiny new 2026 Tesla peacefully waiting in its parking space.
Instead...
There was an empty parking stall.
Not "I parked in the wrong spot" empty.
Not "Maybe my wife borrowed it" empty.
Movie-style...
"...we've got a situation..." empty.
For about thirty seconds I convinced myself we'd become victims of an international car theft ring targeting environmentally friendly vehicles.
Then reality arrived.
The condo security guard had our Tesla towed.
Why?
Because our parking placard had slipped off the rearview mirror and landed face-down on the floor.
Apparently gravity is now a towing violation.
Plot Twist...
Here's where the story gets better.
My wife serves on the HOA Board.
You simply cannot make this stuff up.
Imagine explaining to your neighbors:
"Yes...the HOA towed the HOA Board Member's car."
I'm convinced somewhere there is a security guard receiving Employee of the Month.
After what can only be described as a Supreme Court hearing disguised as a conversation with the HOA President, we drove to the tow yard.
The attendant looked at us with the same expression casinos have when someone walks in carrying cash.
"$400."
Four hundred dollars.
Apparently our Tesla had spent one night at the Ritz-Carlton Tow & Storage Resort.
They even returned it with complimentary dust.
Meanwhile...
Life wasn't just throwing parking tickets at us.
My mom has been experiencing increasing episodes of dementia.
Before we could think about airports, cruise ships, lobster, or vacations, we needed to make sure she safely got to her doctor's appointment.
Family always comes first.
Thankfully, everything worked out, and we were finally able to focus on our trip knowing she had received the care she needed.
Still...
Emotionally we already felt like we'd been on vacation for three weeks.
Believe It!
Because apparently the universe wasn't finished entertaining itself...
Departure week also happened to be Naruto Night at Petco Park.
Now, if you know me, you know this wasn't just another baseball game.
This was destiny.
The San Diego Padres who had recently been treating winning like an optional side quest actually defeated the Arizona Diamondbacks 4-1.
For one beautiful evening balance returned to the Force...
Wrong franchise.
Returned to the Hidden Leaf Village.
That's my Ninja Way.
Boston Knows How to Throw a Party
After surviving California's HOA Hunger Games, we finally landed in Boston.
As luck would have it, we arrived just as Boston Harbor was celebrating one of the most spectacular maritime events in the world.
The Parade of Sail officially kicked off an international festival celebrating America's 250th Anniversary, welcoming more than fifty magnificent tall ships and naval vessels from around the globe.
Leading the parade...
The legendary USS Constitution Old Ironsides.
Standing on deck watching centuries-old sailing ships glide into Boston Harbor felt like stepping into history.
Then...
History suddenly broke the sound barrier.
Jets screamed overhead, climbing into formation before releasing brilliant streams of red, white, and blue smoke across the sky above the Zuiderdam.
The smoke formed a gigantic American flag.
Everyone on deck stopped talking.
Even the seagulls seemed impressed.
It was one of those unforgettable moments where complete strangers simply smiled at one another.
Unless they were trying to figure out why their phone camera was still in selfie mode.
Holland America Zuiderdam: Great Food, Great Ship, and One Interesting Dress Code
The Holland America Zuiderdam is a charming midsize ship that blends classic décor with modern technology. With beautiful ocean views, excellent service, comfortable staterooms, plenty of activities, and some seriously good food, it’s easy to settle into the cruise lifestyle.
My favorite feature was the private verandah. I could have happily spent the entire cruise sitting there watching the ocean and doing absolutely nothing—which, frankly, is an underrated cruise activity.
There was also no shortage of things to do. The daily newsletter listed dozens of activities, from pickleball, trivia, and cornhole to dancing, mahjong, origami, movies, and live entertainment at the World Stage. You could stay busy from sunrise to bedtime, or ignore the entire schedule and relax. I chose a little of both.
The Food
The dining was excellent, with plenty of choices ranging from casual burgers and fries at the Dive-In to more elaborate meals in the Main Dining Room and specialty restaurants.
And then there was the crème brûlée.
I’ve eaten more crème brûlée than I care to admit over several decades, and the one on the Zuiderdam was easily the best I've ever had. Perfectly sweet, crisp caramelized sugar, whipped cream, fruit—and an extra piece of burnt sugar on the plate. Naturally, I ate all of it.
The One Complaint
I only had one real complaint about the Main Dining Room, and it had less to do with the food than with the dress code.
The first night, shorts were apparently forgiven because everyone was still getting settled and unpacking. Fair enough.
But starting the next evening, men wearing shorts were being turned away at the door and sent back to their rooms to change. And when I say men were being rejected, I mean rejected left and right.
The interesting part?
Ladies could apparently wear shorts and walk right in.
After watching several men get bounced back to their cabins while women in shorts were welcomed into the dining room, I seriously considered putting on a wig, changing my voice, and seeing if security could tell the difference.
I eventually decided against testing the theory.
Aside from that little adventure with the dress code, the Zuiderdam was an excellent cruise experience. The ship is comfortable, the service is friendly, the entertainment is enjoyable, and the food is outstanding.
And if you happen to see me sitting on the verandah with a crème brûlée, please don't disturb me.
I'm on vacation.
The Great Tender Identity Crisis
Our first port required us to board a Tender.
Now...
Nobody explained what a Tender actually was.
As someone whose vacation priorities revolve heavily around food, I naturally assumed Holland America was serving giant orange chicken tenders or I was going on a dating app.
Imagine my disappointment when the crew pointed toward a tiny orange boat.
That's not a Tender.
That's transportation.
I had mentally prepared for dipping sauces.
Instead, we climbed aboard this little orange vessel that ferried us from the Zuiderdam into charming Eastport.
I'll admit...
The boat floated better than barbecue sauce would have.
Eastport itself was wonderful.
Colorful waterfront homes.
Working lobster boats.
Fresh ocean air.
Friendly locals.
Lighthouses.
And enough lobster traps to convince me every resident secretly knows Aquaman.
Eastport, Maine: The Great Mountain Dew Expedition
When people think of visiting Eastport, Maine, they imagine quaint fishing villages, picturesque waterfronts, lobster boats, lighthouses, salty sea breezes, and charming New England hospitality.
My wife had something else on her mind.
Mountain Dew.
Now, to understand the seriousness of this mission, you need to know that Mountain Dew isn't simply a soft drink in our family.
It's a lifestyle.
A personality trait.
If caffeine had a soulmate, it would be my wife.
Our day began innocently enough as we boarded the little orange Tender from the Zuiderdam to shore. (I'm still disappointed that it wasn't a giant chicken tender with honey mustard, but that's another story.)
We wandered along Eastport's beautiful waterfront, enjoying the scenery, browsing gift shops, admiring handmade crafts, and watching fishing boats gently rock in the harbor.
Every few minutes, however, I'd hear the same question.
"Do they have Mountain Dew?"
"No."
Five minutes later...
"What about this store?"
"No."
Gift shop.
No.
Art gallery.
No.
Bookstore.
No.
Maritime museum.
Still no.
By this point I was convinced Mountain Dew had been outlawed in the state of Maine.
After nearly an hour of searching every shop along the waterfront, we finally admitted defeat and asked one of the local shop attendants.
She didn't even hesitate.
With the confidence of someone who had answered this exact question a hundred times before, she looked at us and said, in the thickest Down east Maine accent imaginable,
"Ya gotta go ta the Dollah Gen'ral... they got 'em there."
She might as well have added,
"Bless your hearts."
Suddenly, our vacation transformed from a relaxing coastal stroll into an episode of The Amazing Race: Caffeine Edition.
Off we went.
Up hill.
Around corners.
Past neighborhoods.
Further uphill.
Then another hill.
At one point I was fairly certain we'd accidentally crossed into Canada.
Finally...
There it was.
Like an oasis in the desert.
The glorious black-and-yellow sign of...
Dollar General.
We walked in like explorers who had finally discovered El Dorado.
Sure enough...
There they were.
Rows upon glorious rows of ice-cold Mountain Dew.
The angels sang.
The heavens opened.
I'm reasonably certain my wife considered hugging the store manager.
She proudly carried her prize back toward the harbor like she'd just won the Stanley Cup.
That's when everything suddenly made sense.
Remember all those Holland America crew members standing near the Tender dock before passengers left the ship?
Selling bottled water.
Sodas.
Sports drinks.
At first I thought,
"Well, that's convenient."
Now I realized...
They knew.
They knew exactly what was waiting or more accurately, what wasn't waiting in Eastport.
They'd seen this movie before.
They'd watched countless cruise passengers wandering the waterfront searching for their favorite soda, only to return hours later looking like contestants from a survival show.
Those crew members weren't selling beverages.
They were selling insurance.
As we boarded the little orange Tender back to the Zuiderdam, my wife took a long, victorious sip of her Mountain Dew.
Mission accomplished.
Eastport had given us beautiful scenery, friendly people, fresh ocean air, and one unforgettable lesson:
If you're cruising to a small Maine fishing town and you're emotionally dependent on Mountain Dew...
Buy one before you get on the ship in Boston.
Or prepare for an expedition worthy of Lewis and Clark... with a slightly higher caffeine requirement.
The Moral of the Story
Looking back now, the tow truck, the HOA, the dementia worries, the doctor's appointment, the frantic packing, and all the pre-trip chaos have become part of the adventure.
Nobody remembers vacations because everything went perfectly.
We remember them because they gave us stories.
Stories about little orange Tender boats.
Stories about flyovers.
Stories about spectacular tall ships sailing into Boston Harbor.
Stories about lobster.
Lots and lots of lobster.
And, of course...
The unforgettable story of how my own HOA towed my Tesla just days before the vacation...
while my wife was serving on the HOA Board.
Somewhere, I like to think that security guard still tells people,
"You know the funniest thing that ever happened on my shift..."
Little does he know...
He accidentally became Chapter One of our cruise blog.
And honestly?
I wouldn't change a thing.
Well...
Maybe the $400.
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